Once I was a dreamer...

I don't really know what I am anymore, or if I am anything at all.  Lately, I have found myself questioning everything I have ever believed in... everything I have ever known...  I don't know how to raise my head over the ashes that I have become, but I will try...  There is a song that means a lot to me right now:

Hedwig's Lament/Exquisite Corpse



I was born on the other side
Of a town ripped in two.
And no matter how hard I've tried,
I end up black and blue.



I rose from off of the doctor's slab.
I lost a piece of my heart.
Now every one gets to take a stab.
They cut me up into parts.



I gave a piece to my mother.
I gave a piece to my man.
I gave apiece to the rock star.
He took the good stuff,
And ran.




Oh God
I'm all sewn up.
A hardened razor-cut
Scar map across my body.
And you can trace the lines
Through Misery's design
That map across my body.



A collage,
All sewn up.
A montage,
All sewn up.



A random pattern with a needle and thread.
The overlapping way diseases are spread
Through a tornado body
With a hand grenade head,
And the legs are two lovers entwined.



Inside I'm hollowed out,
Inside's a paper shroud,
And all the rest illusion.
And there's a will and soul
That we can wrest control
From chaos and confusion.



A collage,
All sewn up.
A montage,
All sewn up.


For those of you who don't know, that song is from Hedwig and the Angry Inch...  A musical that gives me what little strength I have.  I feel like I am being torn apart... Maybe I am trying to do too much too quickly...  Maybe I need to tear off the mask like Hedwig... but I am afraid no one will like me.

That's really stupid.  No one likes me now,  apart from Brian, the greatest, and brightest star in my sky.  That's what I need to do...  I need to be me...

I am braver when I type to you, probably because I feel like no one's reading, so I can say whatever I want...

Don't worry about me, I have survived worse.